(Source: chicktipsHQ)
update.
havent been on here for a while. but I guess I’ll start blogging again. i dont expect anyone to read this. I just need to rant.
its been a rough year. the last time i posted something was the first break up between me and brian. finding out that he was seeing someone else while hanging on to you was beyond fucked up but the story gets MORE fucked up. it hurt. however, this time I didnt dwell on it. i moved on and did my own thing. i got more involved with cars and drifting. i wasnt hoping to fall in love again. not with the people i was seeing, not with anyone. i put love aside. i just wanted to have fun. december fifteenth, was the end. and he appeared again at the end of march. brian some how appeared in my life again. i had so much hatred towards him but i couldnt let go of the feeling of being love. i didnt want it with anyone else but him. i let him back in my life. and i feel lied we both lied to each other. i told him that maybe we needed to be with other people to realize that who we need is, each other. he got tatted with words “true till death”. and we spent every day with each other. it felt like it was going right for once. 3 months down the road. we got married right before he left for afghanistan. nothing felt different. we never got a place, we never really did anything that was different. i was still living at home. he left for afghanistan in july. only a month after we got married. i spent the last few minutes in the car with him. he told me to take a nap as he went to formation. i woke up at 5 in the morning to an empty parking lot. i was scared shitless. he was gone. i drove home, hyperventilating in my bed. calling everyone, trying to keep myself occupied. but it was still really hard. no one in my family understood. all i did was look at our pictures over and over again. playing the videos of us again and again. it made me smile for a quick second but it didnt last long. thankfully, he emailed me when he got there but it wasnt the same. things became so hard. he wasnt here. and all we ever did was fight. fight about trust, money and stupid problems. it was like we created problems to fight about that wasnt even a big deal. that tore us apart. the flowers didnt matter. all i wanted, was him to be home, i wanted everything to be the way it was before he left. it was like, i was ALWAYS fighting to have him to myself. yes, he cheated in the past. i always felt like i never had him to myself. and now the army took him away from me. all i begged for was, holy fuck i want him to myself. he hurt me a lot and ive never been in a relationship like this. and i held on. held on for a little too long. we fought so much when he was in afghanistan. always putting our marriage on the line. then i felt like, it wasnt even there anymore. i slowly gave up. the name calling, the harsh shit was putting me through. it was worth it anymore. when he came home for some trial thing for the army, i was excited. but not as excited as i thought i would be. i felt like what i had for him wasnt there anymore. the fighting, the constant thought that he placed our marriage on the line made me drift away from him. not mentioning the fact that he was talking to other people. i dont care if nothing happened physically, but words are a form of action. when i saw him get out of his friends car for the first time after the long plane ride, i ran to him and jumped on him. he was the only guy who could carry me when i jumped on him. and that always gets me. well, turns out that he didnt have to go back to afghnistan for a while. so I was excited. we spent every day together again. but things got crazy. we started fighting again. over the same pathetic shit. it was like it never wanted to end. things became physical. he threw me on the ground. and things became a little more rough than it needed to be. i wanted to run, but he kept following me. thankfully, a neighbor saw what was happening and called the cops. brian was charged with domestic violence. ever since that, it wasnt the same, and i just wanted to start brand new. but the rude comments he made towards me wouldnt stop. i took myself out of the equation. i love him. the old him. the him before the fighting, before all the problems. however, hes not the old him anymore.
I fell too hard. Again.
